I went to see Wicked a while back with my wife. The theater was packed, and we were squeezed into two seats in the corner of the last row. About half an hour into the movie, I realized someone sitting up near the front had brought their toddler with them.
That kid did NOT want to stay seated quietly and enjoy the movie. This was an unhappy toddler who didn’t care who was inconvenienced by their fit. Including me.
For a few seconds, I spiraled into a string of negative emotions, ranging from annoyance and frustration to disgust. And I could see red hot anger and rage on the horizon.
What happened? What was so upsetting?
The Perfect Storm of Negative Thinking
I was getting caught up in a perfect storm of negative thinking.
First, I felt like people weren’t following the same social rules that I follow. They didn’t seem to care that their crabby kid was ruining the movie for me. We couldn’t afford a babysitter when our kids were young, so we basically missed out on a decade of movies rated higher than PG. So, if I followed the rules, shouldn’t everyone? Shouldn’t everyone have the same beliefs and standards that I did?
Second, I took it personally. It was as though that kid was deliberately trying to get under my skin, and the parent didn’t seem to care about my feelings at all.
Third, and most importantly, I directed my attention and thoughts to the thing that was upsetting me. You see, we only have four things in this life we get to control: our attention, our thoughts, our motivations, and our actions.
That’s all we have. Ever.
And I was devoting half of my resources – my attention and thoughts – to that crabby kid rather than the movie.
The Old Me vs. The New Me
Years ago, that would have been it for me. I would have been so wound up that the rest of the experience would have been ruined. I might have even left the theater. I would have certainly dwelled on it for the rest of the night, and probably for a few days afterward until the story had run its course.
But things are different now. I am focused on cultivating my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of others.
So, what did I do? I acknowledged my emotions and checked my thoughts. And then, I let it go. I just let it go. I got dialed back into the movie’s scenery, humor, and singing. And I was rewarded with a nice evening out with my wife where we got to watch a popular film and escape reality for a few hours.
The Science Behind Distraction and Performance
Research consistently shows that our ability to control our attention directly impacts our performance and wellbeing. Studies in cognitive psychology demonstrate that when we focus on distractions or irritants, we experience what researchers call “attentional residue” – part of our mental capacity remains stuck on the distraction even when we try to refocus.
Dr. Daniel Goleman’s research on emotional intelligence reveals that people who can redirect their attention away from negative stimuli show improved cognitive performance, better decision-making, and reduced stress responses. The ability to manage our attention isn’t just about feeling better – it’s about functioning better.
Neuroscience research from Harvard Medical School has shown that when we ruminate on negative experiences, we activate the same stress pathways in our brain as if the negative event were happening repeatedly. Every time I replayed my frustration with that toddler, I was essentially re-experiencing the stress as if it were happening again.
Your Crabby Kid is Everywhere
We all have a crabby kid somewhere in life who will absolutely wreck our moments and our days if we let them. Don’t let them. It’s not worth it. Or better yet, you’re worth so much more than that.
Maybe your crabby kid is the coworker who always complains during meetings. Maybe it’s the driver who cuts you off in traffic. Maybe it’s the political posts on social media that get your blood boiling. Maybe it’s your actual crabby kid.
Whatever form they take, these attention-grabbers are stealing your mental resources and limiting your ability to focus on what matters most to you.
Five Steps to Ignore the Crabby Kid
Here are the steps you can take to ignore the crabby kid – real or metaphorical – in your life:
- Acknowledge How You Are Feeling. Trying to suppress negative emotions takes too much energy. Research from the University of Texas shows that emotional suppression actually intensifies the emotions and depletes our mental resources. Instead, name what you’re feeling. “I’m frustrated.” “I’m annoyed.” “I’m taking this personally.”
- Examine the Thoughts Behind the Emotions. What’s making you feel this way? If you find the words “always,” “never,” or “should” somewhere in your thoughts, there’s a good chance those thoughts are not contributing to your wellbeing. These absolute terms often signal that we’re creating unrealistic expectations for the world around us.
- Make a Choice. They are your thoughts, after all. You own them. You can choose to set them aside if they’re not being productive. This isn’t about positive thinking or pretending everything is fine. It’s about recognizing that you have agency over where you direct your mental energy.
- Shift Your Focus. Instead of what is bothering you, try focusing on something that does not bother you. Better yet, focus on something that makes you feel better – something you are doing or a person you are with who makes you happy. In my case, I refocused on the incredible costumes, the powerful voices, and the fact that I was sharing this experience with my wife.
- Let It Go. That kid is going to be crabby, and it’s probably going to have another fit before the show’s over. Let it go. It has nothing to do with you. Every moment you spend focusing on the things around you that you don’t like is a moment you are missing that could bring you joy, or peace, or happiness.
The Choice is Always Yours
Studies from Stanford University’s psychology department show that people who practice attention regulation – the ability to consciously direct their focus – report higher levels of life satisfaction and demonstrate better performance on cognitive tasks. They’re not just happier; they’re more effective.
The beautiful thing about focusing on what we can control is that it immediately puts us back in the driver’s seat of our own experience. We stop being victims of circumstances and start being architects of our own wellbeing.
That crabby kid at the movies taught me something valuable: my emotional experience is my responsibility, not theirs. When I choose where to direct my attention and thoughts, I choose how I feel and how I show up in the world.
The next time you encounter your own version of a crabby kid, remember: you have four things you can control – your attention, your thoughts, your motivations, and your actions. Use them wisely.
After all, the show must go on. And you deserve to enjoy it.
If you are ready to work with a professional who can help you focus on the positive and build up your sense of wellbeing – let’s talk about how individual or team coaching may be a good solution for you. Schedule a call with me today!
